As I look around my bare room, I think about the simplicity of life and how Heavenly Father tries us in ways that we specifically need. I haven't been so close to the feelings I had on my mission, as I have in the last 4 days. It has been a bitter sweet experience, because I have had to humble myself and beg Heavenly Father to guide me where to go. I have had a Martin Harris experience of sorts...of saying, "This is what I want Heavenly Father" and then Him telling me something different and me saying, "No, but if you just let it work out like this..." and it didn't work out because He knows a lot more than me! Mosiah 4:9-10
"9 Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.
10 And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them."
I memorized verse 9 on my mission and remember thinking how powerful Heavenly Father is and all the knowledge He has. These past couple of weeks I have been fighting with myself and telling myself how things just don't work out when you take things into your own hands and that for the things of the Lord, you have to trust him.
I humbled myself a little bit yesterday when I realized that being prideful and stubborn, doing things my way, was getting me no where. I finally got off of my high horse and asked sincerely what He wanted me to do, but I didn't ever actually say I would do what He wanted me to do. I just said that I needed to know what He wanted me to do. Maybe that is why the answer never came and so I just made a choice, the wrong choice that didn't work out. I did finally realize today that I couldn't do it on my own, that it doesn't work that way and that He has been right all the time.
I say that I believe these things, so I guess I need to follow through on the end and "see that ye do them"
So there I was sitting at lunch thinking, "What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this?" and this quote came to my mind
“It is a source of immense personal comfort and peace of mind to have the knowledge that God is with us, and that even when there is now way-perhaps particularly when there appears to be no way, He will open the way.”--Gordon B. HInckley
I remember crying many times in the shower, when I had a companion who wouldn't talk to me. It was my second area and my 3rd companion. I had had 2 amazing and easy companions who were as sweet as sugar and good as gold. Then to come to this one was so painful for me. For me to not have someone to talk to me, it hurt and it was hard. I had to literally force words out of her as we would have companionship inventory and it was all spoken in Spanish because she was from Chile. It was hard. And there were so many times I would kneel on the cold stone floor and just look at that quote (or one similiar to it) and say, "Where is the way?" and I remember thinking, "If God said He would provide a way, then there will be a way." That is how I feel today. After fighting Him on what I wanted and what I thought I needed for me. It's like the way is being provided that I not do that which He told me not to (but I still did what I wanted) and now it will happen, but only after a lot of humbling Becca!
I got on my knees and asked Him what to do today and He took it from me. He took my burden and my pain and I've been able to trust Him, seriously let go of the burden and say, "Okay, this time, I'll do it your way!" I know He'll provide the way.
That doesn't leave me knowing what to do right now, but it does leave me knowing that I can trust Him and He knows I'm trying with all that I am to say, "I'm sorry for messing up last time. I'll try to do better this time. Thanks for being patient with me..."
It was funny today when one of my students emailed me a quote after school. She sent, "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." --Neal A. Maxwell.
sometimes I wonder if it's not good that my students know that I have struggles. But at the same time I think it's good that they realize that I'm a human too and that I have hard days and bad days that I can't just pretend are great, but that other times I do just get through despite what's going on in my personal life! I like that she cared enough to send that. Then another student sent this and it pretty much made my whole day! The best of both of my favorites in one picture! Add a killer whale and a black and white cow and we're set!!!
So at the end of my day, life isn't too bad. It's confusing, but I'm calm and have all of my "stuff" in place, somewhere and I'll be okay and I know that the Lord loves me and He'll take care of the rest that I lack.
Last of all...here's celebration that my grad school application is DONE and SUBMITTED!!!! 50 bucks later, some Spanish Essays and filling out personal information with multiple address changes...and off we go to see if I get accepted to GRAD SCHOOL! The beginning of a dream completed! Here's to dreaming Big!