Monday, January 30, 2012

At peace finally.

Ironically, I'm at peace and yet I don't have a place I know of that I'm moving to. I have just laughed really hard two times in the last 5 days as two places I was going to move into fell into place and then out of place.
As I look around my bare room, I think about the simplicity of life and how Heavenly Father tries us in ways that we specifically need. I haven't been so close to the feelings I had on my mission, as I have in the last 4 days. It has been a bitter sweet experience, because I have had to humble myself and beg Heavenly Father to guide me where to go. I have had a Martin Harris experience of sorts...of saying, "This is what I want Heavenly Father" and then Him telling me something different and me saying, "No, but if you just let it work out like this..." and it didn't work out because He knows a lot more than me! Mosiah 4:9-10

"9 Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

10 And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them."

I memorized verse 9 on my mission and remember thinking how powerful Heavenly Father is and all the knowledge He has. These past couple of weeks I have been fighting with myself and telling myself how things just don't work out when you take things into your own hands and that for the things of the Lord, you have to trust him.

I humbled myself a little bit yesterday when I realized that being prideful and stubborn, doing things my way, was getting me no where. I finally got off of my high horse and asked sincerely what He wanted me to do, but I didn't ever actually say I would do what He wanted me to do. I just said that I needed to know what He wanted me to do. Maybe that is why the answer never came and so I just made a choice, the wrong choice that didn't work out.  I did finally realize today that I couldn't do it on my own, that it doesn't work that way and that He has been right all the time.

I say that I believe these things, so I guess I need to follow through on the end and "see that ye do them"

So there I was sitting at lunch thinking, "What am I going to do?  How am I going to get through this?" and this quote came to my mind

“It is a source of immense personal comfort and peace of mind to have the knowledge that God is with us, and that even when there is now way-perhaps particularly when there appears to be no way, He will open the way.”--Gordon B. HInckley
I remember crying many times in the shower, when I had a companion who wouldn't talk to me. It was my second area and my 3rd companion. I had had 2 amazing and easy companions who were as sweet as sugar and good as gold.  Then to come to this one was so painful for me. For me to not have someone to talk to me, it hurt and it was hard. I had to literally force words out of her as we would have companionship inventory and it was all spoken in Spanish because she was from Chile. It was hard. And there were so many times I would kneel on the cold stone floor and just look at that quote (or one similiar to it) and say, "Where is the way?" and I remember thinking, "If God said He would provide a way, then there will be a way."  That is how I feel today. After fighting Him on what I wanted and what I thought I needed for me. It's like the way is being provided that I not do that which He told me not to (but I still did what I wanted) and now it will happen, but only after a lot of humbling Becca!
I got on my knees and asked Him what to do today and He took it from me. He took my burden and my pain and I've been able to trust Him, seriously let go of the burden and say, "Okay, this time, I'll do it your way!"  I know He'll provide the way.
That doesn't leave me knowing what to do right now, but it does leave me knowing that I can trust Him and He knows I'm trying with all that I am to say, "I'm sorry for messing up last time. I'll try to do better this time. Thanks for being patient with me..."
"5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil."
Proverbs 3:5-6
It was funny today when one of my students emailed me a quote after school.  She sent, "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." --Neal A. Maxwell.
sometimes I wonder if it's not good that my students know that I have struggles.  But at the same time I think it's good that they realize that I'm a human too and that I have hard days and bad days that I can't just pretend are great, but that other times I do just get through despite what's going on in my personal life!  I like that she cared enough to send that. Then another student sent this and it pretty much made my whole day! The best of both of my favorites in one picture! Add a killer whale and a black and white cow and we're set!!!

So at the end of my day, life isn't too bad. It's confusing, but I'm calm and have all of my "stuff" in place, somewhere and I'll be okay and I know that the Lord loves me and He'll take care of the rest that I lack. 

Last of's celebration that my grad school application is DONE and SUBMITTED!!!! 50 bucks later, some Spanish Essays and filling out personal information with multiple address changes...and off we go to see if I get accepted to GRAD SCHOOL! The beginning of a dream completed! Here's to dreaming Big!

This I Believe

 "I can think of scores of my peers who had nothing in those days but who, somehow, with the blessings of heaven, went forward and became men and women of strength and substance as they walked a straight and steady course, guided by principles to which they held with steadfastness. "

 Gordon B. Hinckley from his speech at BYU in March 1992 entitled "This I Believe". He inspired me to write a few things that I too believe, after a hard trial and in good times.

This I Believe

1. That God lives and loves me.
2. That we are meant to do hard things.
3. That life was never meant to be fair.
4. That growth is a part of the change that is SUPPOSED to happen in us and take us to where we ultimately want to be; with God in heaven and His Son Jesus Christ.
5. That God's perfect fathering skills make my life as beautiful and as hard as it is, that nothing happens to any of us for a reason that isn't without a purpose that can be for our good, that He leads us and guides us home, as we listen to Him.
6.  That life is hard and sometimes we, by our choices make it harder than it needs to be.
7.  That ice cream every now and again heals wounds and more importantly so does Jesus Christ.
8. That time is an important part of growing.
9. That without FAITH life is so much harder, and usually the thing you need to do requires more amounts of faith than you think you have and that is why the stretching is sometimes more painful than you think you can bear.
10. That no matter what, God hears our prayers and wants us to come unto Him, and ultimately we will find the rest we've been looking for in Him as our Savior washes away the wounds and heals the pain we or others have caused.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Patience my friend...time to learn.

Well, it's been a week or two that I haven't really known what to do with, except keep going! That's really all you can do right?  So I have. I have stressed out a lot. I am moving and thought I knew to where, but honestly I don't still. I'm waiting on the Lord.  That is something I have to do to grow and get to where I want to be. I want to know that He trusts me and so I have to trust Him right?  Well, I read some conference talks today and this is one that I liked. It's not really about waiting on the Lord, but in one way it's about Him waiting on us. We always think we know what's right (that's where I've been and why all of my clothes except a few are at someone else's house...another story for another time (as my eyes threaten to close)) so now I am saying, "Sorry Heavenly Father.  I should have listened. I should have waited and not done whatever I wanted."  So here I am with a room half empty and no where to tomorrow I'm fasting about that...wish me luck.  I'm falling asleep so good night.

Congratulations to my cute mission companion who I saw in the temple this morning and after 8 years of not being able to have kids, they are adopting cute little twins! I'm so excited for her and her husband Jay.

D. Todd Christofferson "The Divine Gift of Repentance"
"Pretending there is no sin does not lessen its burden and pain. Suffering for sin does not by itself change anything for the better. Only repentance leads to the sunlit uplands of a better life. And, of course, only through repentance do we gain access to the atoning grace of Jesus Christ and salvation. Repentance is a divine gift, and there should be a smile on our faces when we speak of it. It points us to freedom, confidence, and peace. Rather than interrupting the celebration, the gift of repentance is the cause for true celebration.  Repentance exists as an option only because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

Monday, January 9, 2012

I'm happy! I'm working on it! Aren't we all?

It's amazing how simple things can make my day. I'm happy again!  I'm wondering how come stupid things I have no control over, can have so much control over me!!! Man, I've got to work on being stronger!  It will all work out in the end though! Time to be happy. My sister got me this plaque for Christmas that says, "The key to having it all is believing you do."  This isn't the plaque, but I liked what this one said and it's cute! Cute things make me happy!  Happy day!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

He alwasy comes in the 4th watch...

I'm in the same boat I've been in before and the same boat as a friend. I just wish we were rowing together. I've got a lot on my mind. It's been a hard day. I've cried a lot. I've screamed to the heavens and felt the pain come back from moments of previous pain that have hurt so much before. I didn't want to ever be there again and I asked the Lord why He would let me go there again.  He gently told me (and still tells me as the hours draw on and I forget what He told me hours ago) to come unto Him.  For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I'm trying so hard to give away control while still keeping it. And only confusion results. It is like we are here to learn the same thing we need to learn until we actually learn it.

It's been an array of emotions and I found myself reading once again that scripture that came to my mind earlier in Matthew. I needed to see it and hear it twice, three times to get it in my mind that I'm supposed to turn my will over to Him and He will take away my burden.

I haven't been happy until now.  I opened up a binder I found from when I was 17 and found a list of things I wanted in my husband.  1. Handsom 2. Spiritual 3. Priesthood 4. Humorous 5. Make me laugh 6. Support me 7. Patient

What I will give : 1. Spirituality 2. Love

I had to laugh that my 17 year old self really knew what I wanted and was innocent (oh how I long to go back to those moments of innocence and lack of pain (and for a glimpse it seems fun until I realize that I might have to pass through all the pain again to get where I'm at, so I say NO THANK YOU, I'll just live where I'm at now) and knew that I wanted a man who loved me, supported me and loved the Lord and was spiritual and a priesthood holder. I look back and think, "Man where have I gone wrong? I've been searching for someone like that for so long...what has gone wrong?" And then I look at the list again and think, "He really is just giving me what I want. I haven't found him yet so I just have to keep being patient until someone wants to be that man for me and choose me." 

I had thoughts at church today, a lot of them.  I wrote a lot down and came up with an amazing lesson (Ironic how all I've done since I got home from church is cry, fight with my mom (probably just from stress I have on all sides (the semester starts tomorrow and I still had a lot of things to get done to prepare for the 2 new classes I will teach) and lack of sleep and food today!)  from the lessons I learned in Sacrament, Sunday school and Relief Society. I needed to hear all the things I heard and feel the peace I felt, which is ironic that I have been so unsettled.  It is because sometimes when we want something so badly and it doesn't happen, it's a bit of a let down, but I'm trying to have faith.  So this is what I've come up with today in church.

I was sitting in Relief Society when we sang this,"Do what is right, be faithful and fearless.  Onward press onward the goal is in sight..."

I thought about the previous lesson I had just learned in Sunday School. I was feeling the Spirit so strongly telling me that if I was obedient I would be faithfully blessed by the Lord.  I read this scripture in 1 Ne 2:20

 "And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall aprosper, and shall be led to a bland of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands."

Well, if you go back and replace every time it says "land" with marriage it turns out to be a really promising scripture.  I was thinking how simple it is for me to trust in the Lord when I know He will bless me. I was praying for Faith today and decided that this was my way of showing Him my faith.  "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'll be obedient and keep the commandments and then you do me a favor and 1. prosper me and lead me to a marriage of promise
2.  Even a marriage which you have prepared for me (I know He is preparing something for me. Just like a good meal or anything worth anything, it takes a long time to prepare it)
3. yea a marriage that is choice above all other marriages. (I took it to mean that I've given up some options I could have had, but because I was trusting in the Lord, I didn't take mediocre marriages, so that we (my husband and I) would be happy eternally.)

I have a belief and strong desire to follow the promptings of the Lord and that with time He will bless me with what I have been looking for and hoping for!  I have to do my whole part to get what I really want. (I've almost settled a time or two)  (I learned about settling. that if you are settling for mediocrity you're not being honest with yourself...I'll explain later)  He is out there somewhere.  He may be some I know.  I don't know, but it will be fulfilled.

So as I look at that I take into mind the last part of that song I started with, (feeling a little better, tears dried on my cheeks) and a little more hope beaming in me that this verse will come true and that all I have to do is look forward to tomorrow and have a stout heart and God will protect me, so why wouldn't I do what is right?  I'm working on it so hard that I can have the hope to lean on when it feels like I have nothing else I guess.

"And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.  God will protect you; then do what is right!" (Do What is Right Hymn 237)

I believe in Jesus Christ. I know He is my Savior. He saves me in my sins, in my pain, in my heart that is broken and knows not what to do, but I know He too has gone below all things and has felt the very pain I feel right now. He loves me and takes me through the darkness and gives me hope that there is light above if I just believe and HOPE for truth to fill me and BELIEVE that it can. I know it can, but every now and again we need a day to cry and release toxins and pain built up from times of hurt.  I can get over this and I will.  Good night.  Not sure I should have written all of that for the whole world to see, but I believe it's important for everyone to know that everyone has bad days.  Even Christ, who suffered all, had bad days, which gives me COMFORT to know that HE who is MY SAVIOR knows EXACTLY what I'm going through and because HE LOVES ME He goes through the valley with me.  Thanks be to God and His goodness and tender mercies He continually extends to those who will, "Come Unto Him" and let Him carry the burden. Working on it. Oh, my faith is working on being sufficient!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Office, awards, Yoda, ski club and a bit of Spanish

Today has been a crazy day! I just got done making about 30 awards (I have about 75 more to go). I picked a picture for each kid, went to Costco, waited for them to be developed, typed up the names while I waited, then came home and customized what they would say. My favorite one went to a kid who loves Yoda (I secretly got him a Yoda sucker at Christmas. When I saw it I knew he would love it so I gave it to him as if his secret santa gave it to him!). The award was "Yo-da best!" or something like that!

 I watched the Office season 4 while doing it. I got the Office for Christmas.  Well, you know a show is a good when you are alone and laugh out loud. There were a couple really funny parts that just made me laugh right out loud! Man I love a good laugh! I needed it tonight.  Now my awards for tomorrow are done. It's time for bed and dreams of life as it should be...we'll see what that entails.  Good Night.

Ski club starts this week up at Brighton!  Our club, I'm the advisor, has tripled the amount of participants! we have 83 including me! That is awesome!  Bill, the guy that we work with was so happy when I told him how many people we have! It is going to be a great season...the snow will come I can just feel it! And if it doesn't oh, well, that's what snow makers are for right??? Got get that snowboard out!  Here we come Brighton every Friday night for the next 6 weeks!

If you're bored and want to learn the countries and their capitals here is a couple of fun new songs for you. We are learning them in my spanish class!  You can really get it after the third view! Enjoy!  You'll wish you were in my Spanish class!  Have fun ROCK THOSE CAPITALS you'll ace the test Friday!

This one is for Central America:

This one is for South America:

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2011: What a great year!

So 2011 was an amazing year. Here is a quick overview of it.  Still so many things I missed and might add later!  Happy reading!  It makes me happy to look back and realize how many things I am privileged to do and how full my life is!  Happy New Year everyone, may 2012 be just as great, if not better! I don't know how to top this on for more and you'll understand!
We knew it was going to be a blustery year when it started out with a huge snow storm on my way home from my sister's in New Mexico on New Year's Eve 2010!

I'm not really sure why people continue to go cross country skiing when it is so hard! The only good part is going down I say, why waist your time going up hill when you could just go "downhill skiing" or snowboarding!
Went to the Jazz game! It was really fun! I love going to live sporting events!
Erin and I over President's day weekend in Fairview!  Matt, remember how I got a free lunch for being quiet for an hour?  I can do hard things! Heck yeah!!!
Oh, the beloved Dirty Dash! This time it was really dirty!  Check out my pig! He can attest to the intensity of it!

Jenni's LAST CALL!  Joan Jett! Who else? Where else? Wendover!! Get ready for some fun!

You have to go visit the cowboy at least once in your life!  Welcome to the end of Wendover!

Jimmy, you're my hero!  Thanks for motivating me to do the ice breaker again! It was fun,but we both know I didn't train like I should have!
That's right, Athletes only!!!  Did you get your timing chip?

In April I met my grandpa who is 80 years old, whom I have never (well, I never recall) met.  It was really a sweet thing for him to hug me with tears in his eyes and say, “After all this time. After 30 years I finally meet my granddaughter.”  It was fun to spend some time there. He is a great cook.  I did a lot of genealogy while there.  They are not members of the church. His wife (she passed away just recently in September of this year) gave me a ton of dates and things to work on. I am currently transcribing his journal that he wrote for me by hand last year for Christmas. I recorded a ton of stories, dates and took a lot of pictures home to scan. Oh the beauty of modern technology.  I also met my Aunt Linda whom I had never met before either. She was kind enough to fly me out there (NH) and make all these meetings possible. I stayed with her for 2 days and my dad (who I met when I was 23 for the first time that I recall) for 3 days.  While in New York, that is where he lives, we went and saw Phantom of the Opera and Spiderman, went on a tour of New York City and ate a lot of really good food.

After meeting all of these people, I realized where I get my personality, my body type and my drive to be successful! It’s amazing how, even though you don’t know people your whole life, there are a lot of things that run deep in the blood.  It has been very cleansing for me personally to put some puzzle pieces together about who I am and why I am where I am.
Went and saw Spider man before it closed.

I brought Stanely all around New York with me!  He had a great time seeing Phantom of the Opera and Spider-Man

When I got to Boston, I met the nicest man on Earth.  He realized as we were talking that it was my first time in Boston, so he bought me a Red Sox hat and helped me find my bus. He was so nice! I wanted to thank him with a card, a note or something and he gave me his business card. I was devastated when I realized it had shimmied out of my back pocket. DO NOT put stuff in my back pockets I try to remind myself. 9/10 times they get lost.  I will never be able to thank him in person, but some day I will find him, some day!  I will never forget this man. I don't even know his name, but he sure took care of me that day!

My cousin Erin! Can you tell we are cousins? I had never met her before that day!

Aunt Linda and I got a little crazy and got nose rings! Not! But her husband didn't know that and we had him going for about an hour. He said that I was a bad influence on her! If he only knew me! I barely met her too! What good times!

My first time eating lobster! When on the east coast, do as the eastcoasters do!  Eat sea food!

I just love this!!! Aunt Linda and I went in a cute shop and found all these cute sayings. I of course busted out my camera to bring the memories home with me!

Back to New York for a day.  My roommate Brandi came out and we went o Canal street and bought some fun stuff!  My dogs were tired at the end of that day!

In June I went to Spain as a study abroad with BYU. It was a dream come true. We went to places (see previous blog entries…there’s a lot. It was a part of my grade. I had the best, most up to date, well kept blog one of my professors said!) I had only seen in pictures and dreamed about.  I loved every single city and really enjoyed the food (I gained 10 pounds!) architecture, people and the language.  It was truly a wonderful experience. I am very blessed to have been able to go and especially to have been with some of the best professors I know as well as meet some great new friends.

Don Quixote anyone!!! The famous windmills!

La Mezquita, Cordoba (one of my all time favorite things we saw!)

Can you see what that is? It's Harry Potter flying on his broom! This amazing man created all these stick figure things from matches. Look closely.  Such an amazing job! I bought a nativity for one of our friend's anniversaries while in Spain and she had to be away from her husband.  That and the chocolate eclare made her cry and feel better!

I missed my bed!!! I loved sleeping in it that first night.
Upon returning to the US of A, I had a beach trip planned to go to San Diego to Celebrate my 31st birthday a few weeks early because I started school the day after my birthday so there wouldn’t be time then.  I went to California with my good friend Jenn and we had a blast staying on the beach front.

I went to New Mexico to visit my sister on July 31st and her brand new little girl.  This being her 4th child, things were a little crazy for her.  She is a real trooper and a wonderful mom that I have learned much from.  We did swimming lessons every day for 8 days while I was there and made some progress with the kids. It was fun, but it is always better to have people teach hard things when there isn’t a close connection previously I think.  The kids got scared much more easily.  I have taught a ton of kids to swim and I always have the greatest success with those who only know me as their swim teacher.

These are all the fun things I brought them back from Spain! I'm such a cool Aunt!!!

I taught all of my nephews and my niece swimming lessons for the week I was there! It was a blast!

Back to school in August!  At least it was a great opportunity to teach my students the “Feliz, Feliz en tu dia” song because we started school on August 18th and my birthday was the previous day!  I wrote on a piece of paper, “This is my year of growth.” After I found out what my schedule was going to be and that I didn’t have a real classroom until October.  So, I set up shop in the school kitchen until the portables were done!

It was a long, yet quick 2 months and I must say I have grown a lot! I am now teaching the student government class, which puts me in charge of all of the activities at school, and we are going crazy with creative and fun things we are doing, but it is also a bit overwhelming at times.  I came down with the stomach flu the night after we did the Halloween carnival, which was a huge success, and couldn’t go back to school for 3 days.  It was crazy!

Camping for Tres Amigos tres y tambien tres Amigas Tres this year!

Rollin down the river!!! Gotta love our "River Run 1" tubes!  There's nothing like flowing on the slow Jordan River!

So we decided that it would be a good idea to hike Mt. Timpanogas on September 16th! Not such a good idea.  We almost go hypothermia and let's be honest, it just wasn't that fun wading through the river that the mountain turned into, but ironically, we weren't the only crazy people on the mountain that day!!! What is wrong with people? That is what I ask myself every time I attempt to hike Mt. Timp!
Check out how soaking wet we are!!!

The beginnings of saying good-bye in October.  Bradley figured out that if he stands on his tip toes, he is as tall or taller than me.  He said, "I wish I was taller than Aunt Becca."  Mike said, "If that's your wish, I'm pretty sure it will come true."  I just laughed, because I know it will come true and I'll still be as short as I ever was!!! But that's okay!  Like other people say, "Becca, You're funsized."

Ashbey's 8th birthday, October 30th,  followed by her baptism November 5th!  Some really great days!

November came and went with a trip to Hawaii for Thanksgiving after I found out my brother was moving to New Zealand for the next 5 years, and my sister’s family had already made it a sure thing that they would be spending Thanksgiving in Hawaii.   While there, my brother and his wife decided to help one of my dreams come true! They surprised me with a ride on a dolphin!  I have dreamt about swimming, owning, diving off of etc a killer whale’s nose and swimming with dolphins for as long as I can remember. (needless to say I currently own orcachick@hotmail and orcachick@gmail...addresses.)  I also was able to spend some much needed time with my niece and other nephews who I either don’t ever see, or who I won’t see for a very long time. It was truly my favorite part of the vacation.
Right where I wanted to be that morning! It was probably one of my favorite days!

The Proper kids!
The whole crew!  What a great day!
Ashbey and Aunt Becca we really bonded this trip!
Sisters in Hawaii!  Good times!
Joy! Pure joy as my dream comes true!
Oh, how I miss my Shauny!!! I love this lady!  She brings out the silly in me and I bring it out even more in her!!!
Getting ready for Christmas in Hawaii!  That was a wonderful day filled with memories and yummy Japanese food in a way I've never eaten it before! P.S. I learned how to use chop sticks (with the help of training wheels of course!)

Brody has this thing about licking people! What a nut!

My special Dylan! I love this kid!!! He's going to be an arcitecht one day!

December: It's off to New Mexico for Christmas!  Here are 4 more of my cute kids!  Austin 8, Ashley 5 months, Amberly 4 and the ever into something Tyler 2.5!

Austin is a good big brother, helping hold Ashley when she cries.  I love that he always wears the jersey I got him in Spain! He is so funny. Check out the next picture.

He always dresses up to play any game he plays! Can't keep him in real clothes for too long!
Merry Christmas!  My secret santa gave me these awesome antlers!  They even light up!

Ashley is such a good little girl! I loved holding her and watching her sleep and feeding her, her first bottle!

Ty-man, always into something!

Ashley's first bottle!!!

Amberly got a hold of my Book of Mormon and "read" it.  She helped me highlight stuff.  She is in a HUGE coloring phase!
Mom and Hal got their mission call December 29th to the Guayaquil, Ecuador temple.  They will go into the MTC on March 5th for 2 weeks and then serve as ordinance workers for a year and a half on the equator.  Spanish lesson: Ecuador=equator!

Back home for my cousin Nephi and his new Bride Stacy's wedding at the Logan temple December 30th.  What a great day!

This is the most cousins that have been together in a long time. I saw my cousin Malachi for the first time in about 17 years!  How fun! We had a great time with Aunt Carmen, Aunt Flo, Tiffany and her girls, Stephanie and her girls and our new friend Shawn. What a wonderful event. I love weddings. I didn't catch the bouquet, but I almost hurt a girl in the process!!