Learning...it's what life is all about

I just want to say that I have learned a lot in the last little bit. I have gotten down on my knees and asked Heavenly Father to teach me what it is I am supposed to learn. I have been amazed at the results! I keep learning and learning and learning.  This time it's the kind of learning that helps!  It's the kind of learning that has helped me realize where I am in life and that I am okay where I am. I have loved people more this week, these couple of days especially.  I have been able to just get right down and ask, "What is it you want me to learn, because I'm not doing it right."  And just like when I was on my mission and we would get to the end of our rope and realize that there was something else we could do, but couldn't do it alone, we gave our will over to Heavenly Father. It has been good to give it away and without fear that He will take me on this forbidden and scary path. It has been the most healing and happiness producing last couple of weeks, because I have given up my will (well, some of it...) and have said, "Help me." And it has been good.

There have been gentle reminders that say, "Becca you're doing it again; that thing you asked me to help you stop doing."  "Becca, you're being impatient again.  Remember how you want to work on that." "Becca, just stop.  And stop trying to make everything go quickly and be your way." (those are big ones!) "Becca, Listen.  Just listen.  Don't try to make people think like you do. Just be a listening sounding board."  " Becca, love.  Remember to love."

I have literally heard these thoughts in my head and have been reminded so many times of what I want to work on. I have also been gently welcomed back into His loving graces as I say, "I can't do it on my own. Please help me."  It has been humbling and a beautiful experience. I have loved being alive these last couple of weeks in a different way than ever.  It has been humbling and hope inducing, because I feel so much like Heaven is watching over me and cares that I'm alive and that I exist.  Heaven cares that I'm trying to be better and that it is hard.  It has been tearful at times and so nice to be honest with myself that I'm not everything, but that that is why I'm here.  That is why we're all here. To grow and change.

I was getting a massage on Thursday.  I didn't really want it to begin with (crazy I know!) because after having the stomach flu I was still a little bit nauseated and not feeling too good.  But she came.  She listened to Daniel Beck because I only had my small Ipod charged and it hold like 500 songs and only a few albums are soothing so we put on Daniel Beck. 

There was this song that he sings to his wife.  I know Daniel, so it was a lot easier for me to imagine it and how he would sing it to her and how romantic it would be and how happy she would be.  And I found myself jealous and thinking, "Man if I was only married, I could be so happy."  And then I thought about them, in real life and how they have all these kids and real decisions to make, and how he took the flying leap into the darkness to go to California, pick up their whole family and just move because he felt it was right. I thought as I laid there, how life doesn't get perfect because you get married. It just goes up a level in decision making. It changes. It's different. It's what you need to grow.  It is hard no matter what stage you're in.  And laying there on the table I got a feeling of why we are here all over again. I have been having reoccuring thoughts about this.  That we are here to grow.  No matter our place, situation, circumstance...the goal will always be to grow.  When we are able to accept that we can grow at an even more rapid pace.

I was overwhelmed with the love of our perfect Father in Heaven who wants us to excell in our lives.  He wants nothing but the best for us, because He knows who and what we can become, but it is going to take a lot of hard days for us to learn how to deal with them.  It is a test.  This life is a test.  It's the simplest way to put it. We are here to learn and grow and until we pass one test or challenge, we might have to repeat that over and over again.  But the quicker we catch on, the better off we are and are able to accept things. We don't have to fear failing, because the worst part of failing is how we feel about ourselves, but I learned that if we accept our failure and learn from it, we haven't failed at all.

I have been praying this week, hard, to learn and be what He needs me to be.  I have given him my sincerest humility at times and have found myself crying and saying, "Why?" and then, "What do you want me to learn?"  and "How do I do it?"  ( I have to laugh because I told my roommate I was going to take a bath and I got this new "stress relief" aroma therapy bubble bath.  She said, "What do you have to stress about?"  (because she is stressed about finding a new job and guys) I laughed and was like, "Seriously? You can't think of anything I could stress about?"  And she said, "No."  Stating that I honestly should have nothing to be relaxing from or stressing about...It was one of those moments that I rerealized that we all have something to stress about, because our trials are hand picked for us. What might stress her, maybe wouldn't stress me out or visa versa, but that is why we each get our perfect trial for ourselves.)

Anyway, I have been blessed to have a Father in Heaven to lean on and talk to.  It has been a very sweet experience and I couldn't have gained this knowledge if I hadn't come to this place in my life. There really are no words to express all the things I feel, but I do feel so overwhelmingly loved from a perfect being who knows exactly what I need and I'm grateful, He cares enough to take the time to make cosmic things happen just the way we all need them.  The Lord loves us.  If the whole world feels like turning its back, the Lord never ever does, nor will He.  I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for dreams and truth that is freedom inducing!  It is good to write and be able to share thoughts, even if no one in the world gets it. I do and the Lord does.  Thanks for reading.