Hope=Change. I hope!

2/4/2012 Saturday 3:58pm

After I have been packing up all my earthly possessions, I wrote a letter to my mission president…I feel so much more at peace and realize that I have been holding onto a war inside of me for a long time and it hasn’t done anyone who’s touched it, any good…it has only caused everyone and myself included harm and not peace. I have been so angry and in so much pain because of it, but this time it’s different than other recent pain I’ve had, because this pain and anger doesn’t go away, because it’s a real pain inside of you, caused by you (me).  When you realize where the source is from, it makes sense why you can’t feel peace…because peace doesn’t, won’t, can’t dwell in unclean things.  I have tried to pray it away, but my heart wasn’t as broken and humble as it needed to be and so I have been fighting with myself (and the Lord) for 2 weeks (maybe more) to hold onto the anger and hurt…justifying it did nothing but make it worse…I’m glad I finally figured it out. I feel better…Here is the letter:

I have been thinking a lot about the mission lately and when you guys had a few hard times because of the company back home and how you (well, hna Chidester) said that it was hard and she remembered that the Lord spoke peace to your minds that everything would be okay...well I have been needing the Lord a lot lately (not that I don't always) but lately has been a lot harder than before and I have had to lean on the faith that I gained during the mission and have failed a few tests He's placed in my way, but come to Him in others and have grown because of the experiences I have had on my mission. Without those preparing experiences I would have never been able to peaceably get through these last couple of weeks. I thought I'd let you know that it is still in me and so needed. I have been reflecting on how we do hard things and how they just keep coming especially when we thought we had advanced to a different place and had learned that lesson.  I have felt my Savior's love especially in the hardest moments and have been fighting to stay afloat and it has been hard...but when all else fails, He never ever will.  And it is Him, who in the end has given me comfort and helped me become who I am and okay with where I'm at, taught me all the things I need to hear, and to know how to deal with the situation and timing of the events just in the last 2.5 weeks.

Thanks for your stalwart examples to me. It has been hard, but due to examples and experiences I have had in my life, I have been okay and sustained.  It has been hard and just when you think you can't anymore, He says, "You can and I promise that if you just trust in me, you will be okay."  And so the battle that I have been facing is getting on my knees and saying, "I'm sorry for not listening the first time." But knowing at that very moment that He will forgive me for my inadequacies and say, "I love you and its okay. I still love you."  And that has been what I have needed to get back up and be happy (which has been really hard for me in the last two weeks and frustrating too, because I hate not being happy, I feel like I've failed in a way) and now I can keep going and I think He trusts me again...I remember you saying on the mission that sometimes because of our actions God still loves us, but He doesn't have confidence in us and just like I learned last week at institute with the 116 page manuscript that got lost, He didn't forgive very quickly, there was a time of mourning and Godly sorrow that had to happen and then as always, but after time, the Lord restored the Spirit and the gifts that were previously Joseph's and Martin Harris' to have.  I too have felt the refining and the void as I haven't done what I should and it has been hard, and I have felt a distance from Heavenly Father and it is something I know I don't ever really want to have in my life again. It has been a lot of good learning and I am just waiting for the full peace I used to enjoy, to come back...

I just wanted to say thank you for teaching me and for being an example and a great mission president and Sister Chidester too. I learned a lot and could not have learned it in any other way and it was very HARD, so hard sometimes that I didn't know what to do, but I know with all of my heart that it happened the way it did so that I could be who I am and deal with what I'm dealing with right now and in the way I am, because I couldn't have peace in my heart in any other way.  So thank you for seeing us through and seeing your mission through...even when it was the hardest thing you could do. It changed my life and gave me an example of endurance! Thank you...Mil gracias y, mucho amor,

Hna Proper

I feel so much better after writing that and reading it again and realizing that we are here to learn and grow and that I have failed, but it’s not absolute failure, unless I refuse to change it. I’m grateful for a forgiving Father in Heaven and a Savior who gave His life for me so that I could make mistakes, be forgiven and learn that other people are needing that same forgiveness. I need that forgiveness from them too. I have a desire to do better and be better and it is a continual growing process, that as Elder Ballard once says is exactly what life is.  I know my Savior lives and loves me and I’m grateful He forgives me and lets me through my tantrum until I’m ready to deal with it and that He sits and waits so patiently on me…I’m failing a lot of at waiting patiently on the Lord, but I know that each time I fail, it isn’t ultimate failure unless I refuse to correct it…so thank goodness for 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th……many chances to become better.  Here’s to trying and failing and trying again. And here’s to a Savior that even makes it possible. Without Him, where or where would we be? Lost and fallen…without Hope. Now that is why Hope is and can still be my favorite word, even though I had almost given up on it.  Here’s to HOPE!