He alwasy comes in the 4th watch...

I'm in the same boat I've been in before and the same boat as a friend. I just wish we were rowing together. I've got a lot on my mind. It's been a hard day. I've cried a lot. I've screamed to the heavens and felt the pain come back from moments of previous pain that have hurt so much before. I didn't want to ever be there again and I asked the Lord why He would let me go there again.  He gently told me (and still tells me as the hours draw on and I forget what He told me hours ago) to come unto Him.  For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I'm trying so hard to give away control while still keeping it. And only confusion results. It is like we are here to learn the same thing we need to learn until we actually learn it.

It's been an array of emotions and I found myself reading once again that scripture that came to my mind earlier in Matthew. I needed to see it and hear it twice, three times to get it in my mind that I'm supposed to turn my will over to Him and He will take away my burden.

I haven't been happy until now.  I opened up a binder I found from when I was 17 and found a list of things I wanted in my husband.  1. Handsom 2. Spiritual 3. Priesthood 4. Humorous 5. Make me laugh 6. Support me 7. Patient

What I will give : 1. Spirituality 2. Love

I had to laugh that my 17 year old self really knew what I wanted and was innocent (oh how I long to go back to those moments of innocence and lack of pain (and for a glimpse it seems fun until I realize that I might have to pass through all the pain again to get where I'm at, so I say NO THANK YOU, I'll just live where I'm at now) and knew that I wanted a man who loved me, supported me and loved the Lord and was spiritual and a priesthood holder. I look back and think, "Man where have I gone wrong? I've been searching for someone like that for so long...what has gone wrong?" And then I look at the list again and think, "He really is just giving me what I want. I haven't found him yet so I just have to keep being patient until someone wants to be that man for me and choose me." 

I had thoughts at church today, a lot of them.  I wrote a lot down and came up with an amazing lesson (Ironic how all I've done since I got home from church is cry, fight with my mom (probably just from stress I have on all sides (the semester starts tomorrow and I still had a lot of things to get done to prepare for the 2 new classes I will teach) and lack of sleep and food today!)  from the lessons I learned in Sacrament, Sunday school and Relief Society. I needed to hear all the things I heard and feel the peace I felt, which is ironic that I have been so unsettled.  It is because sometimes when we want something so badly and it doesn't happen, it's a bit of a let down, but I'm trying to have faith.  So this is what I've come up with today in church.

I was sitting in Relief Society when we sang this,"Do what is right, be faithful and fearless.  Onward press onward the goal is in sight..."

I thought about the previous lesson I had just learned in Sunday School. I was feeling the Spirit so strongly telling me that if I was obedient I would be faithfully blessed by the Lord.  I read this scripture in 1 Ne 2:20

 "And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall ^aprosper, and shall be led to a ^bland of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands."

Well, if you go back and replace every time it says "land" with marriage it turns out to be a really promising scripture.  I was thinking how simple it is for me to trust in the Lord when I know He will bless me. I was praying for Faith today and decided that this was my way of showing Him my faith.  "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'll be obedient and keep the commandments and then you do me a favor and 1. prosper me and lead me to a marriage of promise
2.  Even a marriage which you have prepared for me (I know He is preparing something for me. Just like a good meal or anything worth anything, it takes a long time to prepare it)
3. yea a marriage that is choice above all other marriages. (I took it to mean that I've given up some options I could have had, but because I was trusting in the Lord, I didn't take mediocre marriages, so that we (my husband and I) would be happy eternally.)

I have a belief and strong desire to follow the promptings of the Lord and that with time He will bless me with what I have been looking for and hoping for!  I have to do my whole part to get what I really want. (I've almost settled a time or two)  (I learned about settling. that if you are settling for mediocrity you're not being honest with yourself...I'll explain later)  He is out there somewhere.  He may be some I know.  I don't know, but it will be fulfilled.

So as I look at that I take into mind the last part of that song I started with, (feeling a little better, tears dried on my cheeks) and a little more hope beaming in me that this verse will come true and that all I have to do is look forward to tomorrow and have a stout heart and God will protect me, so why wouldn't I do what is right?  I'm working on it so hard that I can have the hope to lean on when it feels like I have nothing else I guess.

"And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.  God will protect you; then do what is right!" (Do What is Right Hymn 237)

I believe in Jesus Christ. I know He is my Savior. He saves me in my sins, in my pain, in my heart that is broken and knows not what to do, but I know He too has gone below all things and has felt the very pain I feel right now. He loves me and takes me through the darkness and gives me hope that there is light above if I just believe and HOPE for truth to fill me and BELIEVE that it can. I know it can, but every now and again we need a day to cry and release toxins and pain built up from times of hurt.  I can get over this and I will.  Good night.  Not sure I should have written all of that for the whole world to see, but I believe it's important for everyone to know that everyone has bad days.  Even Christ, who suffered all, had bad days, which gives me COMFORT to know that HE who is MY SAVIOR knows EXACTLY what I'm going through and because HE LOVES ME He goes through the valley with me.  Thanks be to God and His goodness and tender mercies He continually extends to those who will, "Come Unto Him" and let Him carry the burden. Working on it. Oh, my faith is working on being sufficient!